ertemochi

It's interesting what happens to your perspective within a forty-eight hour time span. My brother, after being in Austin, has moved back into town. He'll be living with the folks until he gets a job. Then, he'll be living with Allen, Jen and I.  Afterwords, we'll all be saving money. I'll have my car, and periodically looking for a new job, and a new apartment to dwell in. Chris thinks a three bedroom would be better. Depending on his new job, and how much I can rake in for the deposit, we'll see. I know he wants to go back to school, but I told him  not to. Truth be told unless he creates a plan where he works for a small amount of time, but brings in a lot of money, then spends the rest of the year going to school, he's set. If not he couldn't do it. Our side of the family can't hold a job AND go to school at the same time. The job just keeps away from doing homework, especially lab hours. But we'll see. Besides, the kind of things he's into, music and writing don't necessarily need a degree.

We'll see.


But I'm very optimistic about it all, even though I am very skeptic about the whole thing. It needs a lot of planning to work out.

I wanna write myself
on the walls of your heart
Because the knot that holds us
altogether throws us all apart
I'm gonna stop myself
before I say something true
Because the answers
that roll from my tongue
are nothing to do with you
And I hold a piece up to the light
Hold a piece up to my eye
Found a missing piece from my set
Found a person I'd not met
Hold a piece up to the light
Hold a piece up to my eye
Found a missing piece from my set
Found a person I'd not met
Sometimes is a lonely place
So tow me over to the light,
The sound, the sound it is in sight
Found my heart was contained within a cell
Found my heart in this tuck-a-way-me world
I hold a piece up to the light
Hold a piece up to my eye
Found a missing piece from my set
Found a person I'd not met
Sometimes is a lonely place
Sometimes I held the missing piece

i only feel pain.

After dealing with a very private issue that was keeping me from enjoying life, I am having problems concentrating on getting back to work. It must be because all the 'romance' is taken out of work. I need to find a balance back to making work into play. Right now, I am stumbling from making overly emotional yet foolish ideas that are never finished and create from emotional ideas but give them rational structure, and to complete them.

I was disappointed today by something that didn't happen. A guy that I've been wanting to see outside of work accepted an invitation to come to StoneMetal Press. Whatever time he showed up, I would introduce him to the setting. Introduce to Kathleen and Anet who run the place and let him ask questions if he'd like. If it was early enough I wanted to have lunch with him. (Splitting the bill of course.) Or if he should up later in the day, we could gone for a drink and maybe some dinner.

Alas, that didn't happen but that's okay. The man in question has more problems than me, anything could have happened.


You know, it wasn't too long ago that this incident would have ruined an entire day. It didn't. So, what? I'll ask in a polite manner what happened the next time I see him. Depending on the exchange, I'll try to set something up with him. Hopefully nothing too bad has happened.

The funny thing is, is that while traveling down to StoneMetal, I think Ahmet tried to call me. I messed up and tried to call him back but my Pocket account does include international calls. I even tried to email him, that didn't work either.

The title of this post is a little on the confusing. Let me explain:
This is comes from a religious Chinese painting that contains Confucius, Buddha, Loazi.

Confucius takes a taste and says that life is sour- he viewed the world as the pollutant

Buddha takes a taste and says that life is bitter- he viewed that the interior needed to be protected by pollutants of the world. The world is not polluted itself.

Loazi takes a taste and says that life is sweet- he viewed that the world should be viewed in its natural state (comedy of life.) To be happy in it in spite of it all.

I did rather well, and as a result, I'm going to be alright.

more to come . . . . . .

this is one of those days in which one lies back on the bed and let's all thought that is forced into the mind to leak out.
this is one of those days where the real voice is growing quietly, slowly and delicately out of the silence.

this is what i did today, resting
i know what i'm trying to ask of myself
i'm hearing an evolved form of myself
the only problem is, is that there is no developed action
at least not yet.

but i can help you . . . . .



'why didn't you call to tell me you were alive?'



'because i thought i was dead.'

 

                                                                         and i was.


[explaining myself]


i wanted to get away from where is i started in my early twenties

action with no theory

when i left college i had

theory with no action.

now, i wanted a combination.

one that had both.

However, in order to get such a thing.

i was to give up extremes.

to give up wanting one over the other.

practicing one over the other.


Yet, unbenounced to me

i was already there practicing the combination.


which brings me to the above statement . . . .




i was the walking dead


the body moved, and the consciousness was yet unseen.

going through the motions of not giving or receiving to what was around me

and whatever i understood of the world before 'passing away'

was imprinted into everything i did.

and what i understood was horrific and monstrous

for the moment i became that

a monster or at best, and a more specific conclusion, i began to understand the language of monsters.

having not fully understanding that at the time

i drew away from that thinking only that i had failed and yet another aspect of life and society.

and what i mean by that is that i did not self destruct as instructed. (suicide)

or did not take others with me (violent to the point of trauma/murder)

so that society would have something to fear.

because society does not like individuals, it wants only obedience through involuntary co-operation

and yet society needs individuals seeing that the above behave, is rare unto itself

seen rare- it an acceptable loss.

even the walking dead.


so, now i am beginning to see myself has one that creates my own environment
and not just simply pulled by others because they are external and externalize their wishes on me and mine
that i can and have been externalizing
 i just need to see that for myself.

Waiting for some answers that are not going to show up.

 . . . . I'm living my life in circles

so these answers, solutions

whatever you like to address them

are just not here.


And to bring up a touchy subject  . . . .

along with these answers

there has been no man in my life since I broke up with Allen three years ago.

there have been interests-   I was interesting or they were interesting, we were interested  . . . . but I wouldn't be there for them.


not because I don't want to, but because I need to

I have too many jobs and too little time.

Let's take the time to reflect  the last year and a quarter.

Took a job that has been quite and education- been in hospitality/food industry and the most of the education is being with people that, some of them, remind me of members in my own family. I'm learning to talk to these people. However, I have to admit I really don't talk to these people. This only due to behavior that I use to have when it comes to my family. We don't like to talk about bad things, offensive topics. Politics, human interests stories, the economy, sex, death, life (as a topic in it and of itself) nature, religion, the government, different lifestyles. The topic that everyone wants to talk about is work or entertainment. So, since I am now 'working with my family' it has been interesting to see me censoring myself at work. That I have taken up this behavior on that basis of getting along with other people. The censorship, I do admit, is not an awful this to be doing. I tolerate the work environment, and the others behavior while they are there as well. It is only words, language. I feel lonely without feeling desperate. I know that there must be a way to talk to people there. I'll find it.

The first four months into this job- debts outstanding and save to move.
However the next eight months was spent calculating, reconstructing,l and remodeling the art studio.
The next four months will be to get that driver's license. I already have the learner's permit. Now it's time to practice to pass the driver's test. This all very interesting to see this effort to get involve in this system that I can't stand. But I know why now . . . .


I wanted to be with others. To do that I needed to leave the trailer and leave my hermit-style perspective. It has been painful and wonderful at the same time. I do miss talking to people that I can relate to but I am finding them here and there at work, but they are hard to find. The one thing that bothers me is that it took this long to come out of the woods, to come out of this shell to start seeing people. I feel that I could never show my face in places and people that were in my past. I know I took a good percentage of those left behind for granted. However, I must admit, I don't feel bad for a few of these people. The one I do I still feel the need to treat myself as if I were a leper. I created to much hurt and silence that I do not know if there could be an relation after that.

Look, I'll admit it. My guy won, simply because McCain jump that edge to wacky comic book character when he started his campgain. Then getting Peggy Hill to come on board. He couldn't find a capable running mate? It's obvious where he was going with this. 

Well, it's over. Wow, it's over. The Election, that excuse of a presidency. IT IS OVER.

However, whose fault is it really? Honestly, every last one of us. We get together once ever four years to elect someone who may or may not do the country any good, then go back to our business of family, friends, and work. Or sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. Or . . . . you get the idea, whatever floats your boat. 

Now, I do have respect for who I voted. However, I'm not letting him run this country alone. I'm not a very good consumer, so I'm proudly going into my actual function of living in this country- being an active citizen. Truth be told, no one of authority really wants you to get involved, but I've always like doing the opposite of what my authority really wants. Because, their position is to stay in authority and that doesn't necessarily mean to everyone's best interest. It never has.

I'm happy to say the Patriot Act is slowly deminishing. It took away more than it gave. Many cities have gotten rid of it. I hope the city I live in is working on that right now, but that stuff like that never makes it's way into the papers.  I hardly hear about the fight to keep protesting legal, as the city authorities come up with fining you $5,000 for being on the streets. Just another way to scare the shit out of you, for getting out of line. I'm not interested in being a passive consumer, thank you very much. I've nevery enjoyed recreational shopping, just a bad habit picked from older relatives that truly believe it's a female sex characteristic; to shop. Fuck that noise.

As of today, I'm looking for a new job, one that matches my personality. Either I work for someone on the local level, or the nonprofit sector. May not make as much, but it'll force me to stick with my art career.

Let's see . . . .

Thank God Mom and I went to go get something warm to wear on Thursday night. I had no thermal anything until then, because First Friday was cold! Too bad I wasn't finished knitting my scarf. Oh well, can't have everything, right? Right. Mom offered to buy me a coat which I am all for but, I could not find the right cut or color. I'm thinking of just going with black, that ought to do it. It'll go well with the color scheme I want to go with in winter. Black, White, and Red. Very dramatic, I like that.
Enough shallow shit. Let's go to more important situations. I went to First Friday and there was not much going on. Allen was able to find one exhibit for an article. I was able to find one for an article. Unfortunately, we were assigned to do 3. 2 out of 3, not bad . . . not bad. Found out I had Saturday off. Good, I can work. I ended up working on the paintings for Allen, though it's going to take longer than I thought. The paint is making the canvas buckle. I'll have to re-stretch the sucker later. 

Look it up on the internet folks: sadly, Bettie Page has suffered a heart attack which has led her into a stroke. Now the icon of leapard skin underwear and buxom brunettes is in a coma. She had allowed occasional interviews after she retired from being a model, but refused photo-ops. Very curious if her wishes will remain intact, they should, people should be able to live out there lives in some sort of self directed decency. I'm just wondering if people are going to be mean about it.

Christmas is in 19 days and I haven't gotten anything ready for this. This is really annoying because I'm a lot more busy than ever before.

I know your breathing beside me
I just like to lie
believe that I am all there is in this room

leaves me with nothing to loose.
and I will loose you.
just like I lost myself a long time ago

where to go when you go
when there is nothing left
where to go when you go
when all is gone

I like to steal the calm light
directly from your eyes
gives me a certainty that the world should have give

I'm not a good thief
even worse when I'm with you
To take what works best on you is the worst that I can do

(overindulgent poetry for you!)

You meaning I
I meaning you

Jamie, what do you want?

What do I want?
What do YOU want?
You have been following me, you won't leave me- so what is it?

Your love.
Everything that lies in that statement. Your actions, your words, your creations, yes, your act of living, is all of what is love in you.
I want your love.
I always have.

What is it that you want, Jamie?
I will be glad to give it.
Say the word, and it is yours.
Because I am all yours.

To stop running.

And we have stopped.

I want a calm between us.

And there is now between us.

Then what is there left to ask for?

Only to live with me.

I've been seeing friends off left and right, because turn over in Hospitality is rearing it's ugly head. Then there are other reasons that are personal by nature. It's been an interesting two and a half months, which I'll elaborate as soon as I can. Right now, it's time for bed.

night night

Late June

Moved back in to Fredricksburg Rd. Residential area- The Antonian Apts. It took a whole month to do it.

Mid. July

Allen's car got broken into and they stole the radio/cd player. The management had warned us about leaving stuff in the car, however did not describe 'stuff.' The other car in the event had it's navigational system stolen, they messed the dashboard trying to steal their nicer radio, went after Allen's instead.

Now to end July.

I lost the car that my brother gave me for Christmas to my worthless, always asking for money, middle-aged Uncle Herman. I fought over the ownership with my mother for about a week. She is trying to get me to agree on a new car. I told her no and my reasons are as follows: She's been bitching about retiring for years and has blamed her adult children and their need for help that retirement has not come to term. (Guilt aspect) Buying a new car for her 31 year-old daughter goes against the principles that have been stated. Taking the car away does not help stabilize in traditional zero-sum terms. If she really wanted to help everyone involved, she should have just bought a $500 car for my uncle and gotten rid of him that way. That idea would have left me alone. However, my ideas are considered 'idiotic' and 'ridiculous' to others in this situation. I'm tired of any link involved between my mother and myself that I am too deep into shrugging off ALL help and contact from her. This so-called help is only around to satisfy her own self-esteem, and this help seemed to be tainted anyway. ANY help from her is tainted, there is no end to the guilt, or this attitude that I owe her something for a gift. The gift is not a gift anymore, it's a shackle.

July-August

Unpacking and emptying of a storage unit. This will hopefully take up the rest of the week, but at least it will be over.

The last two months have not been all bad. I needed to stated the bad first as to cleanse the mind and try to focus on the good.

Unfortunately, I must restrain from writing my opinion tonight. (I haven't been here for awhile, only because things have been very hectic.) I do want to point a site before going to bed.

http://www.kunstler.com/


James Howard Kunstler, the author of The Long Emergency and Home From Nowhere, this is his website. He is very informative of things to come for the future of us all.


I wish I was exaggerating.

Rob Brezsney's Prediction for


In his book Starbucked, Taylor Clark claims there is a woman who goes into a Seattle Starbucks every day during the morning rush and orders a "decaf single grandé extra vanilla two-percent extra caramel 185-degrees with whipped cream caramel macchiato." Maybe her request seems overly fussy and demanding, but in the next 12 days I encourage you to be equally as exacting in asking for what you want. You have a poetic license to be extremely specific as you go about your quest for fulfillment.

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
HELP WANTED. Practical dreamers with high emotional intelligence needed to become experts in the following subjects: the art of possessing abundant resources without feeling greed or a sense of superiority; the science of cultivating luxurious comfort in a way that does not lead to spiritual sloth; and a knack for enjoying peace and serenity without diluting one's ambition.


I find the first to be a request to concentrate not only on detail but of what kind of detail. Obviously the lady in question did not mind to wait to get to a specific order done correctly. There is a time and a place for speed or accuracy. Quality or quantity. It will take some practice, it is not an unreachable goal. The one expressed in the help wanted ad. Meditation will be necessary. Lately meditation has been very easy. I usually take a walk around downtown to clear my head. Does wonders for the old cranium.  I may need to do that tomorrow, my brains feel especially fuzzy from being sick the last couple of days. Only problem about downtown and meditating is that I am suppose to strengthen my connections to the art industry. I haven't so far or at least it as been very limited reconnection. I'm doing all that I can with the time that I have downtown. It's not easy with the ambitions that I carry on my back.

For awhile, I was working as a temp for an agency. That didn't last too long because of something I didn't do. I listened to the people I was working for and did exactly what I was told to do. Though, some of whom I was working with did not otherwise. They decided to can all of us for some reason. Then, they tell me that I wasn't the problem, but for two weeks they didn't put me at another site. Not to mention, the bills were piling up. I had to do something. The dream of pursuing the life of a fine arts would go back to being part time until certain things occur.

1. Get out of the temporary loan Allen and I signed up with
2. Save enough for the initial deposit for myself and the animals I still live with
3. Get rid of all that is to be considered unessential. There will be no holding back here. What is 'saving for a raining day will have to go.
4. Find a place that is safe, and close to work.

Right now, I work downtown in a very high-end hotel. I'm in private dining. I just went solo tonight, I did pretty good. Still need improvement, but I'll get it.

Best present: my car from my Brother Chris
Best gift I made: Mexican Wedding Cakes for family
Best Introduction: I met young baby Isobel (she's so cute) and Fi the new dog at Allen's family house
Best activity: putting lights up with Allen

very tired . . . .

good night everyone and Merry Christmas.


Jamie