the stream . . . . this dream
I've never been so conscious for so long before that the memories are reamaining

sticking . . . .

here and now . . . . it's almost meaningless
rabbit roar
i don't know how to live in the present

i end up here in this messy place wondering what i'm going to do with myself.

i could do what i've always done and move forward, look forward to the future

get the work done that way.

but that is not the present

this movement is painful, i don't know if i will enjoy it.

then again, it's not suppose to be pleasant.

it's suppose to be real.

More To Come . . . .

Writer's Block: Family Is…
What does family mean to you?

The forgiving, attainable hand that I can only get from you.

lay your red hands
I don't know.

I've been trying to work at my psychological unraveling that happened after college when I realized that something terrible was wrong. I thought that this terrible thing was something that was way too embedded in my personality. I was ready to deal with it in the most final way possible. I have overcome it, but I was ashamed of it for a while of it. I thought there was something wrong with me, that this was something to hide. That was until I met one of my current friends, a co-worker that works with my at the hotel. He had done the same work, he admitted the things that I could not to other people. He was fine by it. I know it's different for me, because I'm girl. I can't talk to people about these things. I'm afraid to.

I'm going to have to though. I just don't know how.

I was relieved however, to meet someone who had this situation. After confessing about my last three years, he experience detached itself from me. I left it behind me. It also came to my attention that this seemed to happened to people who were some what introverted with out a true childhood infrastructure of emotional security. We were both smart to seek help and mend ourselves as best way possible. He plans to marry his current girlfriend and I want people into my life. Hopefully get married in the near future myself. Agnostically, mind you.

These are simple things, simple dreams of mine. Simplicity is what I need. It trims down my ambition. Keeps me human.

still here.
I've made enough money this money to cover all expenses to move. Hopefully this will last until I get some more items for the studio. Almost there. Though the one thing that I need the most is time. Which I don't have.

I'll keep trying.

I just put those sutures in!
well, I'm ripping them out.

you're too comfortable. I'm done with comfort. I may only feel pain. I rather feel pain.

and the dead speak of heaven
I've been away for a very long time.

I moved and am now living in a studio space with two cats who want constant attention.

Work is constantly changing on staff members. Some of which are my friends that I know I may or may not see again.

Yet, I am at peace.

This I will not indulge in an inquiry.

For now, I will just simply be  . . . .          at peace.

This is what I have looked for . . . . I don't want to chase it away.

It's interesting what happens to your perspective within a forty-eight hour time span. My brother, after being in Austin, has moved back into town. He'll be living with the folks until he gets a job. Then, he'll be living with Allen, Jen and I.  Afterwords, we'll all be saving money. I'll have my car, and periodically looking for a new job, and a new apartment to dwell in. Chris thinks a three bedroom would be better. Depending on his new job, and how much I can rake in for the deposit, we'll see. I know he wants to go back to school, but I told him  not to. Truth be told unless he creates a plan where he works for a small amount of time, but brings in a lot of money, then spends the rest of the year going to school, he's set. If not he couldn't do it. Our side of the family can't hold a job AND go to school at the same time. The job just keeps away from doing homework, especially lab hours. But we'll see. Besides, the kind of things he's into, music and writing don't necessarily need a degree.

We'll see.

But I'm very optimistic about it all, even though I am very skeptic about the whole thing. It needs a lot of planning to work out.

I have you now! I have found you now!
I wanna write myself
on the walls of your heart
Because the knot that holds us
altogether throws us all apart
I'm gonna stop myself
before I say something true
Because the answers
that roll from my tongue
are nothing to do with you
And I hold a piece up to the light
Hold a piece up to my eye
Found a missing piece from my set
Found a person I'd not met
Hold a piece up to the light
Hold a piece up to my eye
Found a missing piece from my set
Found a person I'd not met
Sometimes is a lonely place
So tow me over to the light,
The sound, the sound it is in sight
Found my heart was contained within a cell
Found my heart in this tuck-a-way-me world
I hold a piece up to the light
Hold a piece up to my eye
Found a missing piece from my set
Found a person I'd not met
Sometimes is a lonely place
Sometimes I held the missing piece


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